Fear...

Fear of the unknown...
Fear of losing him...Although He isn't even mine...
Fear of never being able to LOVE as much as I know I'm capable of... I want that chance..
Fear of never being LOVED the way I know I deserve to be loved...The way I know only he can love me...
Fear of waking up in the morning and him not being there...

One could go CRAZY thinking this way... And I suppose I have done just that... (a little)...
Our story is beautiful I think... maybe not your ideal love story (we have some things that make things a bit hard sometimes) but who doesn't? It's ours and it means everything to me...

I never expected this to happen nor did I expect to fall SO fast, comfortably and completely..
He came into my life at a time when I had all but given up on love or the possiblity of ever finding "the one"
It's only been 4 short months but I have known him most of my life.. and in these 4 short months we have already had memories to last a lifetime.. Like the first time we "skyped" and how the coversations lasted well into the mornings but we couldn't say goodbye...So now we sleep with our computers on.. (totally nerds!, we know!) It's comforting knowing he is with me even if only on a screen... The first time I went out to see him...I had butterflies walking through the airport wondering and looking around for him not knowing he was there all along watching me.. Our first embrace.. I felt his breath on my neck.. the way he smelled.. I closed my eyes and breathed it all in as if trying to imprint that moment in my mind forever.. The way his strong body, gently held me in bed.... The way I felt laying on "my/his shoulder" is a feeling I have never felt and one I hope I will feel for the rest of my life... We just wanted to look at each other.. not really believing we were actually there together.. He would poke me and say "She's real!" The way we laugh at most everything and how just thinking of him puts a smile on my face.. The time we went to "our place" and walked around hand in hand just taking in the beauty of our surroundings and each other.. having visions of what "our" life might be like together... fantasizing about when we are old and grey sitting in our rocking chairs with all our kids running around... I smile as I write those words...I got butterflies as he sat down next to me on the bed and not just your average butterflies.. I'm talking my stomach did a flip.. Everything about that trip was magical.. The hours before I had to head back home sitting in his car as he poured his heart out to me and told me his deepest secrets... Oh the talks we have... I feel so complete around him and I can finally be myself.. My crazy self and he loves it! Can you imagine? I have only dreamed of finding someone I can really be myself with! I know at times he is scared and worried that this happened way too fast.. I understand all that especially given his situation... I don't think either of us expected it to happen this way it just did! and that's the part I think is beautiful... it just happened.. everything about us fit together just so... So I guess that is where my fear comes in.. I never want to lose the feeling I have when I'm with him.. I want to create new memories.. I want a new life.. One filled with love and happiness! I know only time will tell.. and I do believe we can get through anything life throws at us.. we already have been through so much together...
I know he is feeling like he is hurting me and bringing me down but I want him to know I'm fine and it's just my fears of losing him that gets me down sometimes..
So I'm trying to let go of my fear and my what if's... and let life take it's course and see where it takes us and be ready with open arms if my dreams decide to become my reality...

One day at time...

A girl can hope and dream and I'm going to do just that...