Working on myself for the New Year...

Distance is hard... and it makes small little issues seem a lot larger then they really are.  I have come to notice that and I seemed to have made the simple fact that I miss him so much into a huge mess the past couple days and for that I will forever be sorry... With it being New Years Eve and all...I have decided to make a list of things I want to work on that will hopefully help me and my relationship that I cherish so much...

I want to believe in myself... know my worth and realize I AM WORTH IT!
I want to be more patient...
I want to be more understanding...
I want to really think before I react...
I want to not jump to conclusions... don't assume the worst..

I could go on and on but these are the main things I hope to work on... I want to be the best me I can be so I can be the best Baba I can be for my Ping...

Wishing i could kiss you at midnight tonight and look into your eyes and tell you how sorry i am and how lucky I feel to be a part of your life...
Happy New Year!
All my Love...

I choose you...

This song is on repeat everyday... It fits us to a T..

Dying to see your face again...

As I mentioned in my last post..  The Holidays can be especially hard without the one you love.. But do you know what makes them even harder?... Not being able to talk/text/skype with him like you normally do..  i am having such a hard time right now with this. I'm feeling so alone and lonely... Like a piece of me is missing...

You see his family has been in town since before Christmas and that means I can't see/talk/text him like I usually do.. and while I understand that he is entertaining them I can't help but feel sad.. He is my best friend I share everything with and not being able to share our days and talk about stuff is really taking a toll on me.. I know he doesn't mean to not contact me but it still makes me sad... Being so far apart this is all we have and without I get so down..  I miss everything.. Seeing his face everyday, laughing with him... I'm just over here not even knowing what he is doing day to day and the unknown is not a fun place to be.  I want to feel involved even just a little... Also with the family in town that means spending more time over at her house... I can't even begin to describe how that feels and what it does to me knowing they are all over there. I'm trying so hard to be strong but it's wearing on me pretty bad.. I'm so sad! I miss him horribly... My anxiety is at an all time high...  i want my ping back..  The family doesn't leave til Friday and then Friday is his weekend with his kids... So it isn't looking too good for me any time soon. I hope I will be able to make it through this week.. 
I can't wait for the day when I can just be with him and that things like this won't interrupt OUR everyday life..  and I will be able to be involved and included.. He is my number 1 and I'm here for him day in and day out 24/7 whenever, wherever... and I'm happy to be.. I love him with all my heart..  I just can't wait for the day when he CAN be there like that for me too... Like I always say... We have to get through this to be able to get there...

Sad and lonely, missing you so much it hurts, dying to see your face again...
~B

Merry Christmas...

 My new camera and season 1&2 of Fringe...

The card was even better...

 One of the gifts I sent Ping...

Christmas time is my FAVORITE time of year... The lights, the snow, wrapping gifts, being with loved ones..  and it's that last part that made this Christmas a difficult one for me.. 

Being SO far away from the person you LOVE the most this time of year is brutal...  There are so many things I wanted to do with him..  I wanted to bring him to my Aunt Sue's Christmas party..  Everyone would have loved him especially knowing he is the reason for my smile these days...  He is the reason they are getting their happy girl back... I wanted to drive around at night with him looking at Christmas lights, I wanted to sit in front of the fireplace and Christmas tree with him holding me..  I envisioned that moment over and over in my head many times as I sat there alone.. I wanted to watch movies in bed on Christmas Eve laughing and talking about the future and all the things we want to do... I wanted to fall asleep in his arms and whisper Merry Christmas, my Ping... Baba sure loves you as he drifted off to sleep...  I wanted to wake up and exchange gifts with each other and make breakfast together... I could go on and on... 

It is so hard being apart.. I miss him every second of everyday... 

We mailed each other gifts and watched each other open them over skype... I got him a Black watch, a shirt, an ipad stand and charge two things at once thing.  He out did me and got me the nicest camera I have ever owned and season 1&2 of Fringe. The show he introduced me to and I'm now obsessed with it. I have really never been spoiled like that .. It was so nice.. His card meant everything to me.. He knows just what I need to hear or want to hear.  He also promised me a love letter... I'm still waiting, Ping! 

Merry Christmas...

Hope next year I will be spending Christmas with the person I love the most... Ping..

B&P's First Tree...

 B & P Always! :)

 Nice view! ;)

I got back a week ago from visiting my Ping... We put up our first little tree together.  I went out and tried to get one but they were sold out and only this little pre-decorated one was left.. Ping asked is it girlie?.  lol! It might be but I added his Broncos ornaments and our B&P  (baba & ping) and it looks great! It was so nice to just snuggle in bed and enjoy our time together. I want nothing more then to be able to spend the holidays together and cannot wait til we are able too! We went to the Mall of Georgia and went to eat and see a movie..  We think so much alike and said the same thing as we walked down this grand staircase at the mall.  I feel so lucky to have my Ping in my life. He completes me in a way I never thought possible only dreamed about...  he is so good to me..  :) I wish I was snuggled up to him now.... I fall asleep so fast in is arms and I feel so content..  I even love that when he plays his Call of Duty he lets me snuggle him and plays while holding me... He even kisses me every time he dies! ;) He might kill me for writing that. but he is the best Ping in the whole world and makes me feel special more then I ever have!   It makes me smile as I write this! Wishing I was back there already!

Thankful for YOU...

I am unbelievably lucky to have you in my life...

I think the sweetest thing that can happen is to re-connect with that one special person who makes you feel like you're living in a dream come true...

That's what this feels like for me. It's like that with every smile, every touch , every memory we make. When almost every day we have together is the kind you don't want to end...
that's when you know.

That's when love is real, and it's when you realize what a treasure you're holding on to...

Every time we're together, just doing all the things that lovers and best friends and dreamers do, I keep falling in love with you... over and over again.

I could spend forever doing this... and I hope you know how thankful I am for all the incredibly precious things... you bring to my life.

All that is missing is you...

It's Thanksgiving tomorrow... I have already made my Nana's Stuffing... the house is starting to smell good. But there is something missing..  Something isn't right...  My Ping is missing..  I want nothing more then to be in the kitchen cooking, laughing, making a mess with him right now and tomorrow.. It would mean everything to me! I feel sad..  I want to spend the Holidays with the man I love and start new traditions and make new memories! I can't wait for the day when I will have that chance..  To sit with him and all our crazy kids and just be together...

Missing you more then you'll ever know this Thanksgiving my Ping..
Love you...

Road Trip with my Ping...

 Paula Deen's Restaurant...

 Her hot sauce...

 Looking over a menu in Savannah, GA..

 Cute water fountain...

 *Kisses*

 Bath time...

 The cute bathtub in our Hotel room in Savannah...

 The cute bedroom...

Us in the mirror... :)

My Ping and I went on a ROAD TRIP!  I flew out to see him and we decided to drive about 4 hours to the cute little town of Savannah, GA. It was so fun and cute! Feeding my Ping crackers and cream cheese in the car and talking and singing. We stayed in a nice Hotel in the old historic downtown. Our room was Fabulous and we ate at the yummiest places! So good! It was so nice to walk around and hold hands and just enjoy our time together. I miss him so much and it meant everything to me to have that special time with him. We have made some great memories together and I can't wait to make more.. 

Thanks for everything Ping! I have been home for not even a full day and I'm ready to come back! It's hard to sleep without you by side..

I love you...

When the sun goes down...

When the sun goes down and the sky looks like this... It makes me miss you even more. I wish you were here to go for drives with me so I can hold your hand and see your cute face and reach over and steal a kiss or two or three... ;)
Night time seems to be the hardest when I miss you most and want more then anything to be laying next to you...
I miss you, Ping..

Man shoes...

Doesn't that mess of shoes look so good with a pair of man shoes mixed in?... :)
 

You see right through me...

You see right through me...
You know when I'm mad...
You know when I'm sad...
You know when I'm happy...
You got it down to a science...
You have a peephole to my soul...
I miss you so much it hurts...
But even though the distance between us is so great, my arms can't reach you...
My love for you is even greater so my heart is able to reach you...
I love you, my ping...

A part of me...

Come back Ping.... I just wanna be with you always... A part of me is missing whenever you go...

Here comes the tears...

Yup, it's one of those nights tonight...
You left yesterday and I couldn't sleep... Tears wouldn't stop pouring out of my eyes... I was cold and lonely without you next me.. and I tried to keep busy all day today to keep my mind off of things but when the sun goes down it reminds me how alone I really am...

I waited until you called me tonight and was a little surprised and shocked that you didn't want to see my face tonight. I know what happened... but wouldn't seeing me and talking to me make you feel better?

I'm trying so hard to put on a brave face... I just want you to want to see me.. It makes me feel like you don't miss me.. and you have the kids this weekend so I know I won't be seeing you much if at all.. so I thought for sure you would want to talk to me tonight... I'm worried about everything... mind thinking of a million different things and you know I have a hard time when we leave each other.. I just hate the way I feel right now..

i miss you so much...
great, here come the tears...

I'm going to explode...

I'm going to explode if I don't talk or write... So I will write...

I'm feeling so many things... I'm sad.. I'm anxious...I miss him.. I want him to miss me too!!
I got to see him and really talk to him once this last week... Thursday morning... and then this weekend happened.. So with all that I just want to be reassured and have him WANT to see me and tell me he missed me too.. I think i deserve at least a couple minutes..

I want you to know that a part of me was really destroyed this weekend..I don't think you will you ever fully understand what it feels like to have the person you love to be in a situation like that... I don't know if you talk and what you say...I don't know if you sit by each other...it just sucks.. I feel like she got 2 whole days with you.. when I can barely get a min with you in a weeks time.. It hurts my feelings.. and I couldn't even talk to you about it because you were being so short with me and didn't want to discuss it..
I'm the one who is here for you and was there for you during your darkest hours and I'm the one who is putting my whole heart and soul into this, trying to be so understanding in everything you do..

I'm turning 30 in 3 days and I'm so depressed.. with no one to talk to and all I want is you.. I want you for my birthday...
I just want so bad for things to be in my favor for once.. Just reassure me from time to time and especially when something like this weekend happens... Okay?.. I'm just a girl sometimes...
I'm just a girl who has found my everything in you... and I'm scared to lose it...
You fit me perfectly in every way...
You have my heart and I love you...

So much I want to say...

There is so much I want to say to you...
I hope you aren't upset with me.. I hope you still feel the same about me...
I know times are rough and I know and understand what you are dealing with...You are such a strong person to deal with all that you are right now...I know.. I worry about you everyday... I'm trying so hard to leave you alone and just be here... I'm sorry... I really am trying.. I want you to know that you are worth it to me and I'm willing to do what it takes... I hope that I'm worth it to you and that we will continue to get through all this together.. I do know you and I know your heart...I'm sorry if I ever come across that I don't understand.. Sometimes it hits me extra hard how much I miss you and I don't ever want our closeness to go away.. I want us to be strong and be connected always..

I know I love you and I know I want to be you... YOU are my person.. the person I think about first thing when I wake up, the person I think about and worry about all day wondering is he okay, is he eating, did he sleep, how is he feeling, does he know how much I care and love him, You are the reason a smile will appear on my face during the day just thinking of your cute face or something that you may have said, you are the person I think about while driving anywhere wishing so bad you were next to me holding my hand, you are the person I want to call and tell everything to... funny or sad whatever it may be, you are the person I want to eat my meals with, you are the person I want to laugh and cry with, you are the person I want to be around my kids and play with all our kids together, you are the person I want to sing crazy songs with and snuggle on the couch with, you are the person I want to travel with and experience new things with, you are the person I want to kiss each day when I get up in the morning and you are the person I want to hold me at night and whisper things to in bed. You are the very last thought I think about before my eyes close at night. You are the person I want to shower with love everyday....YOU are my PERSON.. That is what I mean when I say that to you... The tears wont stop as I write these words...

You are an amazing person and I feel lucky to have had our paths cross again all these years later... I have loved you for most of my life... I will always be here for you.. I hope you know that.. You mean everything to me... I hope you will be patient and understanding with me too..

Can't wait to talk to you about all this... I hope that you are okay

10 days...

It's been a week since I left my Ping... I got to spend 10 days with him this month and be there to celebrate his Birthday with him. It was lovely like always... to see his face and feel his arms around me, being in the "cocoon" and having him tell me stories.. He is amazing and I can't get enough of him!

It was cute to see his reaction to his gifts and I hope he loved them.. He looked so handsome in all his new stuff. ;)

It's always so hard to leave him.. I feel so empty inside on the plane ride home and it's hard to not break down and cry... I have been trying to be strong.. I just miss him every second of everyday and I cannot wait for the day when I will be able to be with him always..
Like I always say... I just want my happy life to begin..

I miss everything about you my Ping... Love you...

She isn't as strong as she may appear...

I can't tell you how it really is... all I can tell you is what it feels like and right now...

My heart hurts... It feels like someone is squeezing the life out of me.. I can't catch my breath...
I haven't spoken to him since Friday morning and not real sure when I'll see him or talk to him again.. He says Tuesday but that is such a busy day for him I'm sure it wont be till the night and by then it will have been 5 whole days without seeing his face or hearing his voice... Maybe I'm a baby.. but this has been both heartbreaking and so hard on me.. I carry my phone around and check it all day and for what?... he isnt calling or txting.. I need to just put it down... but what if??... :(

See, in my head I feel we are apart all the time... everyday... I miss him everyday already so this has just killed me.. and i wonder... Does he even miss me?... or is this just easy for him?..
I feel I have been and still am so understanding of him and am here for him whenever he needs me... What about me tho?.. I can't always be the strong one.. I need someone to catch me too..
I feel so alone right now..

All I want is for him to want me and miss me the way I want and miss him!!! I want him to WANT to be near me not want to take more time away from me when already we are apart for most of time.. I just want him to want me like I want him...

Does he know how much I love him? Does he know how painful this has been for me?
My heart literally aches...
Does he even miss me?.. I hate feeling like I'm the only one..
I just want to be with him and have him hold me in his arms and tell me its all been worth it... I want so bad to feel like I have someone... the way I have been the rock for him.. I'm trying so hard to stay strong and get through these days... but then what?.. are things going to be weird between us?.. we haven't spoken in 5 days.. but there is nothing I can do... all I can do is wait for him to want to talk to me and see me again...

She is beyond sad...

You know my heart is by your side...

This song pretty much sums it up... the way I feel... I listen to this over and over and over again...
I just miss him so much...

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why your so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I'm praying you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t wanna run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Love me..

Pick me...

Choose me...


LOVE ME...

How I wish...

Last night...

Last night was AMAZING.. Talking, crying and laughing with my Ping.. It's exactly what I needed. I actually needed it more then he will ever know.. It means the world to me that he was there for me and knows exactly what to say and do to make me smile...

He is a really good Ping and I heart him..

I catch myself...

I catch myself looking at the Calendar every couple minutes.. I guess just hoping the it's closer to the day I get to go see my Ping... It's sad and kind of pathetic but I'm dying this time and feeling such a sense of urgency to get out there..

I want that feeling of being completely content back... There isn't a care in the world or nothing we couldn't get through.. That's how I feel when I am with him. Complete.
For the first time in my life I feel completely safe, content, happy, in-love more then i thought possible, and complete. I want to be in his arms and be that soft place for him to fall right now.

We have been through so much together already and still are and all I can do is hope and pray that we will make it through.. I know we can but sometimes I wonder what he thinks.. Just when I think we are finally getting over some obstacles.. We are right back in them.. Like tonight they are going to have another "talk"... I can't help but think what more is there to say?.. It only makes things worse and leaves him feeling in a bad mood and worse off then he felt before.. When is enough enough?.. I just hate to see him down and feeling like that..

I have been worrying about him all day and just want the day to hurry and pass so I can talk to him and see his face and find out how it went and if everything is okay..

Just checked my Calendar again... yup, it's still the same day.. :(
I can't get out of here quick enough...

I love this...

See this face..

See this face?...

It's a really SAD face...

She misses her Ping SOOOO bad!

I just wanna talk to him but most of all I just wanna BE with him...

Smell him... Hug him... Put my face in his..

I keep you here.. inside...

It's hard to breathe when we're apart...

You're that sunshine in my heart...

I keep you here inside...

You're everything to me...

All I have ever wanted... Is you..

Mess up my bed... with me...

Been up all night staring at you...
Wondering what's on your mind...
You want the sunrise to go back to bed...
I want to make you laugh...

Mess up my bed with me..
Kick off the covers I'm waiting...
Every word you say...
I think I should I write down...
Don't want to forget come daylight...

Happy to lay here...
Just happy to be here..
I'm happy to know you...

Please leave your taste on my tongue...
Paperweight on my back...
Cover me like a blanket...

Mess up my bed with me..
Kick off the covers I'm waiting...
Every word you say...
I think I should I write down...
Don't want to forget come daylight...

And no need to worry...
That's wasting time..
And no need to worry..
What's been on my mind...

It's you...

It's you...

I feel like...

I feel like crying today... I just don't know what to do anymore...

What can I do?...

What can I do?... What can I say to make everything okay?....
He is having such a hard time right now.... The inner battle within himself is taking over right now... and it scares me to death. All I can do is wait and be here when he needs me... but it kills me to feel so helpless.. I wish there was something I could say or do for him right now.. I hurt when he hurts, I'm sad when he is sad... My heart hurts with his heart...

I know I have said it a million times but I wish so bad I could press fast forward and get him through all of this.. I just want him to be happy so bad.. I want our lives to begin.. I want to show him what it feels like to be appreciated and adored and show him each and everyday...

I wish he wouldn't be so hard on himself... He is a great person and father and he will continue to be and be even better when he can finally breathe and be happy... I haven't even seen him be truly relaxed and happy yet and I hope with all my heart I get that chance... Cause just the little I have seen is amazing and I love him more then he knows... He makes me so happy and when we are together it's just amazing and so easy... I love him for the person he is... The crazy, goofy, lovable, hard-working, driven, creative, caring, sensitive, thoughtful, random, fun-loving, tender-hearted, strong, beautiful, sexy man that he is...

I just wanna take him in my arms and tell him everything is gonna be fine... We can and will get through this and anything else that life throws at us.. This may be your battle and I know you think you need to do it alone but I'm right here with you going through it too just in a different way...

I'm here for you always my ping...
Hoping and praying for your peace of mind...
I love you with all my heart...

When you got a good thing...

I just heard this song today and I wanted to dedicate it to you my ping...

Go listen to it... (When you got a good thing by Lady Antebellum)

Here are the lyrics (it's a guy and girl singing)

Everybody keeps telling me I'm such a lucky man...
Lookin at you standing there, I know I am..
Barefooted beauty with eyes that green... (I changed the color from blue to green) ;)
Sunshine sure looks good on you...
I swear..

Oh I can't believe I finally found you baby...
Happy ever after, after all this time..
Oh there's gonna be some ups and downs...
But with you to wrap my arms around..
I'm fine..

So baby hold on tight...
Don't let go..
Hold on to the love were making...
Cause when the ground starts shaking..
You gotta know when you've got a good thing...

You know you keep on bringing out the best in me...
And I need you now even more then the air I breathe..
You can make me laugh when I wanna cry...
This will last forever I just know... I know..

So baby hold on tight...
Don't let go..
Hold on to the love were making...
Cause when the ground starts shaking..
You gotta know when you've got a good thing..

We have a good thing my ping.. :)

I love this song and I love you...

Scared...

I feel like I'm losing everything in a way...
I left you alone during the days because I thought we had the nights and now you are taking those away... Can you see how that would make me sad?... It was something I relied on and looked forward too and it scares me to not have that to look forward to anymore...
Seeing you and talking to you is the highlight of my day and I want to be yours too...
Communication is all we have being so far away from each other... I don't wanna lose our closeness... I'm scared it's just going to be less and less now... I don't want that..

You used to need me and want me to help you make it through your days and while I realize it is a good thing you are strong enough to stand on your own two feet now.. its sad for me to see that you dont need me like you used to... Does that make sense?..

I hope this doesn't make you mad... I'm just telling you my fears and how I feel...
Bottom line... I miss you every second of everyday... I LOVE you and therefore I LOVE to be around you and spend time with you...

I will try my hardest to be understanding... but I hope that you will see how much I do miss you and I hope that we will still have some nights where we can spend some time and I hope with all my heart that there will be some nights where you will want to sleep by me again...
I will always be here to love and support you...
I love you and miss you with all my heart...

He has a way with me...

He has a way with me...
I can be feeling sad and with just a few words he has me right back up...
I have never been more understanding with a man as I am with him...and it just comes so naturally..
His words and his sincerity... I can feel deep in my soul..
I know his heart and I know what a great person he is and tries to be on a daily basis...
He is a special one...
Our bond and connection runs deep...
and I love him more then he proly knows...
I want to make him my everything...show him and remind him each day how much he means to me...
and I want to be his...

He has a way with me...

Stupid girl...

I lay here tonight sad...
I feel as though I have been very patient and understanding this week while he has had his kids and been busy... We have hardly got to talk to each other this week and this weekend even less...
So what do I do?...
I assume that today he is finally alone and that he would wanna see me and talk to me cause he has missed me just as much as I have missed him.... Right?...

Wrong... :(

I'm sad....I thought for sure he would wanna spend time with me...

Holding his hand...

I have been working on giving my Ping space and letting him come to me....

I hope I have been doing a good job...
It sure isn't easy... I reach for my phone all day...

I sure miss him..
I would give anything to be back in that picture holding his hand...

For just me...

My bed is too BIG for just ME....

and yes, that is my pings sweater I now sleep with every night... *sigh*

Feeling like a crazy...

Am I crazy? Am I really not that strong, confident girl I thought I was?... I just don't understand why I feel the way I do lately... All I can come up with is.. that I'm finding it hard to adjust to being back home and away from him. Am I turning into one of those needy, pathetic girls that I can't stand?.. Geez, I hope not! Am I wrong for wanting to see his face each day and be able to talk and laugh with him?.. Being so far away from each other... this is all we have...it's our way to connect and show our love... I mean seeing him is the highlight of everyday... It makes me feel so much better about everything.. I love to tell him about my day... all the dumb things and sometimes important things and I love hearing about his.. and lately I feel like i don't know what's going on with him other then he is busy...
I guess I just got used to the calls on the way home on Tuesdays and Thursdays and the txts saying "Get online" (my personal favorite) I know things change but is it wrong of me to miss that?.. I get like this because since those things aren't happening it makes me wonder why he doesn't want to see me now.. Like right now it's almost 11 pm there and it is taking everything I have in me not to text him and I'm wondering how it went and if I'm going to get to see his face tonight.. I used to never wonder about that and now I do... It's not a good feeling..

I guess I'm just worried everything is going to change...it already has... and I don't want that..
I just miss him and I love him...

I'm going to work on being less needy and try and give him more space.. (keyword TRY because I have tried all day to not contact him unless he contacts me and it has been a VERY hard day)

SO we will see how I do...

Her heart hurts...

Back to Utah.... means back to reality..

My heart has been heavy for 2 days now.. I miss him SO much.. I miss sleeping next to him, putting my face in his and breathing him in.. I miss everything!! I have never felt more content and happy as I did when I was with him this past week... I want that feeling always..

The laughs, the dance party by ourselves, the drives, the walks holding hands... I even loved cleaning and doing laundry while he was at work... I loved looking over at him working as I watched TV in bed... I loved it all and I want that feeling back cause the feeling I have now is an empty one... a heavy heart..I'm trying so hard to be strong and push through the sadness I feel being away from him... Its hard and it hurts worse then I ever imagined... the tears haven't stopped in 2 days... I just want to be happy and make him happy everyday of our lives.. I know we have a long road ahead of us still but it will all be worth it in the end...

I had the best time and can't wait until next time I get to see my ping again...
She sure loves him!!! SO much!

"See this arm, it's a really good arm, she loves it!" :)

Missing you every second of every day...

i miss him..

I miss him so much it hurts....

Surprise!...

He SURPRISED me! Last Wednesday I was just waiting to finally talk to him on the phone and see his face on the computer but he called bright and early and said he was coming to see me!! We had a wonderful night together...We went hot tubing and snuggled all night..laughed, cried (well me) ;) and I tried to keep him up all night so we could savor every last minute together... :) I wish our time together would move in slow motion... It seems like it just flies by when I'm with him! He makes me so happy, I never want our time together to end.. But I got a night to snoodle my ping, he surprised me and missed an extra day of work to see me and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world...
I dropped my love off bright and early and held it together while I said good-bye.... but the minute I pulled away the tears wouldn't stop...
I love that guy more then words can say...
Come back soon ping! :)

Missing him...

She is MISSING him SO bad....
She misses seeing his face..
and hearing his laugh...
She misses just being able to tell him how her day was or any dumb random thing that comes to her mind...
She misses her best friend..
She can't sleep at night.... someone is missing on the computer and on his side of the bed... :(
She just wants to be with him always...


Missing him...

I love him more each day...

I love him even more then I did 3 hours ago....
He has my heart... He is in my soul...
The way he makes me feel is something I have never felt...
He is a beautiful person, inside and out...
The way he cares is truly amazing...
Im so glad I never stopped believing that he was out there...
I knew HE was out there...

♥

I love him more and more each day...

Sad...

Feeling SOOOOOOOOO sad...
I'm sad because my boo is leaving for a 5 day trip and I won't be able to see his face...
and seeing his face is all I have being so far away from him...
I know I'm proly being a baby but I'm really gonna miss him...He is my best friend...
and I wonder if he will miss me... I hope so and I hope he will be a good boy while he is away too... ;)

I wish I was going on a trip with him...
I want to be able to go places and do things in a place where no one knows us and we are free to be US.....
I want it so bad...

Then I'm sad I haven't got to see his face today and he just called and is going to a movie with Her!...
I know his reasons but it still hurts a little... :(

Guess today just isn't my day...
Can't wait for things to get back to normal next week...

I'm gonna miss him so much it hurts... :(

I got to believe...

See the person I love the most
Is so far away tonight
And no other medicine or promise is
Gonna heal me up right
But I got to believe
That him and I
Will be together
Cause that's all I got....

I want..

I want to be with YOU until the SUN falls from the sky...

I want life like this...

I got to spend a whole week with him... It was HEAVEN! I loved waking up to his cute face in the morning and nuzzling into his shoulder and feeling his arms wrap around me at night.. *sigh*

Making dinner together and snuggling watching movies, leaning up and stealing kisses... It was just perfect and a girl could really get used to life like that.... This girl REALLY wants life like that!
It's just so easy with him.. Everything from talking to just how comfortable we feel around each other... The laughs never stop.. We have so much fun together... I want this feeling forever...

He is now back home and I am here.... Haunted by our memories around every corner..
I was really getting used to having him with me and I am finding it really hard being alone again... I think he is too..

I miss him so much it hurts...
We have to stay strong and get through this so we can have our chance...
I want that chance...
I want to be back in his arms... where I belong...

I love him...

Him is here!...

My him and I are in the same state.... FINALLY!!

I love being able to sleep next to him.. Rolling over and feeling his warm body.. It's been so nice.

I wish this time would last forever... Already dreading him leaving...

(If you look real close.. you can see us in the mirror) :)

Sweet dreams...

It's 1:38 am...

I love this time.... He looks so peaceful as I watch him sleep...
I wonder what he sees in his dreams...
I love that he gets a break from his day to day worries...

I find myself falling even more...
I love the person that he is...
he looks so cute when he sleeps... It brings a smile to face...

Goodnight my dear sweet ping...
Love you all the way to the moon and back...
See you in my dreams...

P to the s dot...
Can't wait to see you in person real soon!!!!! :)

Tuesdays and Thursdays...

Waiting....Patiently.... well trying...


I HATE Tuesdays and Thursdays.....


That is all...

I want to be...

I know at times you feel alone and you wonder what your doing and will going back just be easier... I know you think these things and many more...
But what you don't see and what you can't see just yet is that it won't always be this way... Things WILL get BETTER, EASIER and more FUN...

When you are at the loneliest times.. people tend to forget why they are doing what their doing and while going back may seem "easy" and you think it will be okay...
There are reasons you left and there have been reasons for years upon years...

Why not wait for GREAT?... Don't settle for EASY...

I know how hard and lonely it is but it does get easier and then you find yourself wanting everything you have ever dreamed of and you go after it...

I wish I had the right words to say to you...
I wish I could make it all okay...
I wish I could show you everything will be alright...
I wish I was there to comfort and hold you...
and like you said last night.. "You just want a warm body to lay next to"

Well...

I WANT to be that warm body you sleep next to at night....
I WANT to make you HAPPY and help all your DREAMS come TRUE...

Quotes...

In our world of wrong choices, someone will come into your world that will make you say... This time I got it right!..

If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right you'll probably never do much of anything....

You have to let go of the past before you can unwrap the present...

Just because your destiny hasn't unfolded on your time table doesn't mean it's not going to happen...

Freedom and happiness are found in the flexibility and ease with which we move through change...

No matter what...

I promise...

I promise to kiss you hello each time you come home and good-bye each time we leave for the day...

I promise to be your biggest fan and support you in all you do....

I promise to hold you in my arms every night and tell you how much I need the closeness that we share...

I promise to LOVE you with ALL my heart...

And NEVER to stop finding ways to show you just how much...

These words...

I got these quotes from Private Practice tonight....
Cried my little eyes out...

You have someone you could choose...
You just can't quite decide what you want..
I want EVERYTHING...
Ya, you do and you should get everything..

Your just scared of what it would mean and being scared...
I mean no one lays on their deathbed wishing they had less, less LOVE..
No One...

So if you LOVE the guy/girl don't let em get away...
♥


and one more I loved...

Your everything I never knew I wanted...
and I CANNOT live without you..

*tears*

My wish...

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow...
and each road leads you where you wanna go..
and if your faced with a choice and you have to choose...
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you..

And if one door opens to another another door closed...
I hope you keep on walking til you find a window..
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile...
But more then anything, more then anything..

My wish for you...
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to..
Your dreams stay big and your worries stay small...
You never need to carry more then you can hold..

And while your out there getting what your getting to...
I hope you know somebody LOVES you..
and wants the SAME things too...
Yeah, this is my wish..

I hope you always forgive and you never regret...
and you help somebody every chance you get..
oh, you'd find god's grace in every mistake...
and always give more then you take..
But more then anything, more then anything...

I hope you know somebody loves you...
and wants the same things too..
Yeah, this is my wish!..
♥

Surprise at my door...

Look what I got just now!!! :) The smile on my face couldn't be any bigger!

The card was so cute too! It said...

Sorry for not getting these to you on Mother's Day but good things come to those who wait... :) Hint... hint...

Thank you so much for everything...

Love ya..

*Sigh*

They are beautiful and it means so much he would do this for me! I just love his face... :)

There you are...

Lost without him...

Today I'm feeling all over the place.... I have been trying so hard to be strong and give him space... but I really miss him! Is that bad?...I like to feel like I'm needed but lately he hasn't needed me..
and when we don't talk or see each other I can't help but wonder...
Does he even miss me?... Does he miss seeing my face?...
Does he wonder what I'm doing and if I'm okay?... Is he sick of me?.. Is he trying to distance himself from me?..

I have been trying to keep myself busy... cleaning like crazy and I even went on a shopping spree(retail therapy), went out with friends... but the whole time I'm doing those things I think of him and wish I was with him... I know I proly sound like a pathetic girl.. I feel like one..
It's just he really has turned into my best friend.. He is the person I want to run and tell everything to. Get advice from... laugh with... Cry with.. I guess I just wonder if not seeing/talking to me affects him at all..

I think Im feeling more like this today because I received some emails from someone in my past that answered a lot of questions I have had for a long time and now I can see that what happened back then really shaped the person I am today and is the reason I have been so hard on myself through the years.. and I guess I just wanted to share these letters and self discovery with him and I haven't been able to talk to him.. I'm not even sure if he will understand why I want to share this with him.. but I realized a lot about why I am the way I am.
This probably makes no sense and I feel like I'm rambling now... I just miss him and wish I had someone to talk with about this stuff...

I really feel pathetic... but writing this blog really helps me get out certain feelings I would normally keep inside..

Really missing him...

The test...

Today I tested myself... You might be asking tested yourself how?...
I wanted to see if I could go the whole day without contacting him.... Why you might ask?.. Well lots of reasons.. I wanted to see if I could do it and how hard it would be.. I wanted to give him the space I think he wants right now... and who knows he might miss me in all this... (I hope) ;)

I think I did pretty good... Given it's only 9:19 pm (my time) but it's 11:19 pm (his time) I have been surprisingly in a decent mood today too.. Although I miss him so much and am just hoping and praying that I will get to see and talk to him at least for a bit tonight....

I am trying to give him space...
I'm trying to put my feelings aside...
I'm trying to let go in a way... Not of him (I could never let go of him) but of my feelings...
Trying to put his needs first and hope somewhere along the way when he is ready my needs will be met too... and I don't mean that in any kind of way... I understand the situation we are in.. I'm just trying to think more clearly so I don't have melt downs on a daily and stress him out way more...

So ya, I'm trying and I'm pretty proud of myself.. I made it through the first day without contacting him... Only responding if he contacted me..
Didn't think I could do it... Why you might ask?...
Because I think of him and miss his face all day long...
*sigh*

SHE JUST LOVES HIM...

Wish me luck tomorrow... I might cave and txt him but hey I'm only human and I'm a girl! ;)

44 days...

My dreams are better then my reality these days... it's sad but true...

In my dreams colors are brighter, things taste better and I get to be with him... Can you believe it!?? I get to be with him!!! I get to look at his face and see him smile... Do you know how cute his smile is!?? I get to hear him laugh... He has the best laugh! :) I get to feel his arms around me!! Do you know how good this feels!?? I remember the last nights I was with him how I laid on his shoulder and closed my eyes and tried to hold on to that moment so I would never forget how it feels... Do you know how soft his skin is and how I love to rub my lips back and forth on his shoulder?... I get to reach up and hug him and put my hand on the back of his neck.... Oh how I miss that!... *sigh*
I get to fall asleep to his snoring.... which I find very sweet by the way and when I got back home I couldn't sleep in silence anymore. ;) I get to look into his eyes and know I'm right where I wanna be... Do you know what a good cook he is?.. In my dreams I get to eat all the yummy food he cooks up and I get to sit with him and eat together... In my dreams I also get to do any naughty thing I want to do to him... ;) Do you even know how good it is?!... Legs never stop shaking... oh how I wish my dreams would turn into reality for just a couple hours... Yes hours! maybe even more! It's never enough! I always want more! ;)
In my dreams I get to travel with him and see places I have never seen before... I get to drive in the same car with him... Do you know how lovely this would be!?.. To sit next to him while he drives... I don't even care where we go...
I get to go anywhere I want to go and do anything I want with him in my dreams..
It has been 44 LONG days since I have seen his face in person, hugged him, smelled him....I wish I could smell him! *double sigh*

But until my dreams become a reality....
You can find me in dreamland walking hand in hand with my him... :)

More then anything...

My heart is so heavy today... I didn't see him last night and so I know deep down it's going to be a long day of wondering...

With everything that is going on with him...I know he doesn't need another burden and that's exactly what I became for him last night... I didn't mean to. I have been reading way too far into him needing alone time and for that I will forever be sorry... I guess I was just comparing past experiences and I know I can't do that... Each day is different and I need to be grateful for the time I do get with him..

I want to be his best friend, the person he can't wait to talk to each day...
I want to be the one he can come to with his problems...
I want to be the one who makes him happy when his whole day has gone bad...
I hope I STILL am these things for him and that in our first misunderstanding he still feels the same about me...

I don't want things to change to or be different now... That is what is killing me today! I want him to be how he always is with me... As long as I know he still wants to see/talk to me I will be fine... he can do whatever he needs to do alone as long as I know he will always come back and that he wants to! More then anything all I want is to know our time together is as special to him as it is to me....
I felt more alone then I have for awhile last night as I laid there without him and I never want to feel that again...
I just want the opportunity to show him all of me in a normal circumstance and I want to be able to experience how he is... I hope he still wants the same too...

I promise to try harder and be that strong person I know I am and can be for my ping...
I know he needs that more then anything...
I love you ping and I'm sorry...

Lonely nights...

As I sit here tonight watching romantical movie after the other... I am sad.. (I should know better then to do this to myself) I am sad because I want so bad to be the women on the screen... I want to be happy and be with the man I love... Share my life.. experience new things... Laugh in bed at night, eat breakfast together in the morning... just the everyday normal things!
I know our situation is a unique one with lots of ups and downs and like he said "I did sign up for this and all that comes with it"
I just feel lost and confused at times and then so full of hope and love at others...
He is getting more distant by the day and wanting to talk less and less and I don't know what to do...I don't know how he wants me to be. I try and give him his space... I do understand what he is going through.. It's just hard for me cause all I have to go on is our conversation and when there isn't one.. I'm left feeling sad and confused. and I want him to know I'm not mad or frustrated at him....

Its all boils down to... I just miss him SOOOOOO much! I guess in a way I feel like I'm so close but yet still so far from everything I have ever dreamed of...
I know it's kind of selfish of me....but I just want it to be my turn...
I want my happy ever after...

I know I need to be patient and time will tell....I did sign up for this and I'm glad I did... I love him..

Like always....She is just missing him...

The way I do...

Your kiss, your smile, your mind....
You're sunlight in my eyes..
I miss your breath on my neck...
When we whisper in the night..

Didn't want to want you...
Didn't want to need you so bad..
Didn't want to wake up...
And find that I was falling so fast..
Didn't wanna need you..
Didn't wanna need anyone...

Now look what you've done....

Now I can't go on without you..
I'm naked, I can't fake it...
I'm not that strong without you...
Never thought I could LOVE you the way I do...

Your touch, your skin, can't believe the way you let me in...
Don't rush tonight, I need you like the ocean needs the tide...

I always thought I would stand on my own...
Climb a mountain top all alone..
Relying, depending on no one...
Now look what you've done...

Never thought I could need you...
Never thought I could want you...
Never thought I could LOVE YOU....

THE WAY I DO.... ♥

When someone knows...

♥

Its sweet when SOMEONE knows every single detail about you.... Not because you constantly tell them.... but because they pay ATTENTION....

♥

Does he know?...

Does he know how hard I try to be strong?...
Does he know how much I miss him in a day?...
Does he know how much I worry about him?...

Does he know how much I love him?...

Tonight I'm feeling.... well.... So many things I can't even think straight! My cheeks are all flushed but I'm freezing cold! I feel so unsure... I hope he knows in a normal situation I wouldn't be like this! I wouldn't worry all the time and I would know my place... I'm very secure in who I am and what I have to offer! I hope he sees that! I hope he recognizes that...

Does he know how bad I want to tell him I miss him during the day?...
Does he know I look at my phone all day and then put it away?.... Trying to give him space or who knows...
Does he know how bad my heart races on Tuesdays and Thursdays?... and it feels like FOREVER until he contacts me?...
Does he know I have an inner battle with myself each day wondering where I stand and what I can and can't do?....
Does he know that I hate myself for being an emotional wreck at times!?...
Does he know how mad I get at myself for showing weakness?...

I want him to miss me and want to talk to me.... Not feel like I'm the only one missing him and wanting to talk to him...

Does he know how bad I want to be in his arms?....
Does he know how bad I want to feel his touch?...
Does he know how bad I want to kiss his lips?....
Does he know how bad I want to make love to him?.... (sorry, had to add this! It's the truth) ;)
Does he know how bad I want to be where he is?...
Does he know bad I want to see his face?... (in person)

Does he know how much I WISH I could take away his pain?...
Does he know how much I want him to be happy?....
Does he know how bad I want to make him happy?...


I hope he knows how hard I try and keep it together... Cause I really do try so hard!

Does he know how much I love him?....

I hope he does....

Favorite things...

Just a few of my favorite things about him....

1. I love his heart...

2. I love when he sings to me... ;) (him so cute)

3. I love the way he smiles when he first sees me.... (makes me feel all special and junk)

4. I love his sexy face... (the face he makes when he is concentrating) hee hee...

5. I love his cooking skills... (Hims a beast in the kitchen)

6. I love the way he makes me feel... (like I have never felt)

7. ooh I LOVE his shoulder actually his whole sexy, manly body!! .... hee hee *blush*

8. I love his mind... (hims such a smarty pants)

9. I Love his sense of humor... (he makes me laugh all the time) I love his laugh...

10. I love everything about him.... ;)

CRaZy girl & a sweet letter from Him...

Okay, I am a crazy emotional girl for my last post.... Look what my "Him"wrote to me yesterday... I didn't even see it! I know how crazy things are right now and the last thing I wanna do is be another burden to him...I know he is busy and I need to not jump to conclusions... I guess I just love him so much and my fear definitely got the best of me... I promise to be more patient and understanding from here on out.... I'm sorry for having a moment of weakness (a girl moment) I hope he won't hold this against me and I hope he doesn't think I'm crazy... I just miss him and that is soooo for real.... I feel horrible now...

~From Him~

I love everything about you. I love Your caring heart and your gentle touch. I love the way you make me laugh and cheer me up when I am down. You are an angel sent from God. Please be patient with us. Time will show us our fate.

He loves me...He loves me not...

He loves me.... He loves me not....
This is how I have been feeling lately...
I feel him getting more distant by the day and I don't know what to do or how to feel...
Am I imagining it or is it really happening?..
We used to talk for hours and he would contact me some during the day... now its nothing til almost midnight... :(
I don't wanna be a crazy girl so I try so hard not to contact him or say anything... but I miss him and I miss feeling close with him...
He used to need me... he used to WANT to talk to me...
Now I'm not so sure....
I'm hoping this is all a misunderstanding and that we will have some "us" time soon...
I really, really hope so...

He loves me....
He loves me not....

I hope he still loves me... I hope he still needs me... I hope he still wants me...

I wish...

Over 6 billion souls in the world, but you're the only one I want....

♥

Just Believe...

Sometimes I'm at a loss for words... The right words to say to him. I feel so helpless when I can clearly see the pain in his face and know the pain in his heart. I wish I could tell him something that would magically make him feel better. I wish I could tell him that everything will be okay... While I believe everything WILL be okay... he has to jump blindly and wait and see for himself.. I know it is scary... and not easy to do. It's almost like when you have lived your life a certain way for so long... It's like you just continue that way because of the comfort level.. It's all you know... But when you finally step out and see all the possibilities and what you could have...It doesn't seem so scary anymore.. I'm proof of that. I was scared out of my mind to be alone and thought the world was over but my eyes have been opened to so many new and wonderful things.. I found myself and learned to love who I am.. I'm stronger and can do things I never thought I could.. and I realized that there is love out there like I have always dreamed of and I'm not going to settle for anything less.. True happiness... It does exist.. You just have to believe...

i♥y boo

You are my sunshine...

You are my ping ping...

My only ping ping...

You make me HAPPY....

When skies are Grey..

You'll NEVER know ping....

How much I truly LOVE YOU!!!....

PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY PING PING AWAY!!!!!!!!!




Aws... Can we hug about this one!?... ;)

Love always,
Her

Rainy Days...

All I hear is raindrops falling on my rooftop and all I want is to be snoodled up to him...
I would give anything to be able to feel his arms around me, lay my head on his shoulder and gently kiss his lips...

Missing him so much...