Him is here!...

My him and I are in the same state.... FINALLY!!

I love being able to sleep next to him.. Rolling over and feeling his warm body.. It's been so nice.

I wish this time would last forever... Already dreading him leaving...

(If you look real close.. you can see us in the mirror) :)

Sweet dreams...

It's 1:38 am...

I love this time.... He looks so peaceful as I watch him sleep...
I wonder what he sees in his dreams...
I love that he gets a break from his day to day worries...

I find myself falling even more...
I love the person that he is...
he looks so cute when he sleeps... It brings a smile to face...

Goodnight my dear sweet ping...
Love you all the way to the moon and back...
See you in my dreams...

P to the s dot...
Can't wait to see you in person real soon!!!!! :)

Tuesdays and Thursdays...

Waiting....Patiently.... well trying...


I HATE Tuesdays and Thursdays.....


That is all...

I want to be...

I know at times you feel alone and you wonder what your doing and will going back just be easier... I know you think these things and many more...
But what you don't see and what you can't see just yet is that it won't always be this way... Things WILL get BETTER, EASIER and more FUN...

When you are at the loneliest times.. people tend to forget why they are doing what their doing and while going back may seem "easy" and you think it will be okay...
There are reasons you left and there have been reasons for years upon years...

Why not wait for GREAT?... Don't settle for EASY...

I know how hard and lonely it is but it does get easier and then you find yourself wanting everything you have ever dreamed of and you go after it...

I wish I had the right words to say to you...
I wish I could make it all okay...
I wish I could show you everything will be alright...
I wish I was there to comfort and hold you...
and like you said last night.. "You just want a warm body to lay next to"

Well...

I WANT to be that warm body you sleep next to at night....
I WANT to make you HAPPY and help all your DREAMS come TRUE...

Quotes...

In our world of wrong choices, someone will come into your world that will make you say... This time I got it right!..

If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right you'll probably never do much of anything....

You have to let go of the past before you can unwrap the present...

Just because your destiny hasn't unfolded on your time table doesn't mean it's not going to happen...

Freedom and happiness are found in the flexibility and ease with which we move through change...

No matter what...

I promise...

I promise to kiss you hello each time you come home and good-bye each time we leave for the day...

I promise to be your biggest fan and support you in all you do....

I promise to hold you in my arms every night and tell you how much I need the closeness that we share...

I promise to LOVE you with ALL my heart...

And NEVER to stop finding ways to show you just how much...

These words...

I got these quotes from Private Practice tonight....
Cried my little eyes out...

You have someone you could choose...
You just can't quite decide what you want..
I want EVERYTHING...
Ya, you do and you should get everything..

Your just scared of what it would mean and being scared...
I mean no one lays on their deathbed wishing they had less, less LOVE..
No One...

So if you LOVE the guy/girl don't let em get away...
♥


and one more I loved...

Your everything I never knew I wanted...
and I CANNOT live without you..

*tears*

My wish...

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow...
and each road leads you where you wanna go..
and if your faced with a choice and you have to choose...
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you..

And if one door opens to another another door closed...
I hope you keep on walking til you find a window..
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile...
But more then anything, more then anything..

My wish for you...
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to..
Your dreams stay big and your worries stay small...
You never need to carry more then you can hold..

And while your out there getting what your getting to...
I hope you know somebody LOVES you..
and wants the SAME things too...
Yeah, this is my wish..

I hope you always forgive and you never regret...
and you help somebody every chance you get..
oh, you'd find god's grace in every mistake...
and always give more then you take..
But more then anything, more then anything...

I hope you know somebody loves you...
and wants the same things too..
Yeah, this is my wish!..
♥

Surprise at my door...

Look what I got just now!!! :) The smile on my face couldn't be any bigger!

The card was so cute too! It said...

Sorry for not getting these to you on Mother's Day but good things come to those who wait... :) Hint... hint...

Thank you so much for everything...

Love ya..

*Sigh*

They are beautiful and it means so much he would do this for me! I just love his face... :)

There you are...

Lost without him...

Today I'm feeling all over the place.... I have been trying so hard to be strong and give him space... but I really miss him! Is that bad?...I like to feel like I'm needed but lately he hasn't needed me..
and when we don't talk or see each other I can't help but wonder...
Does he even miss me?... Does he miss seeing my face?...
Does he wonder what I'm doing and if I'm okay?... Is he sick of me?.. Is he trying to distance himself from me?..

I have been trying to keep myself busy... cleaning like crazy and I even went on a shopping spree(retail therapy), went out with friends... but the whole time I'm doing those things I think of him and wish I was with him... I know I proly sound like a pathetic girl.. I feel like one..
It's just he really has turned into my best friend.. He is the person I want to run and tell everything to. Get advice from... laugh with... Cry with.. I guess I just wonder if not seeing/talking to me affects him at all..

I think Im feeling more like this today because I received some emails from someone in my past that answered a lot of questions I have had for a long time and now I can see that what happened back then really shaped the person I am today and is the reason I have been so hard on myself through the years.. and I guess I just wanted to share these letters and self discovery with him and I haven't been able to talk to him.. I'm not even sure if he will understand why I want to share this with him.. but I realized a lot about why I am the way I am.
This probably makes no sense and I feel like I'm rambling now... I just miss him and wish I had someone to talk with about this stuff...

I really feel pathetic... but writing this blog really helps me get out certain feelings I would normally keep inside..

Really missing him...

The test...

Today I tested myself... You might be asking tested yourself how?...
I wanted to see if I could go the whole day without contacting him.... Why you might ask?.. Well lots of reasons.. I wanted to see if I could do it and how hard it would be.. I wanted to give him the space I think he wants right now... and who knows he might miss me in all this... (I hope) ;)

I think I did pretty good... Given it's only 9:19 pm (my time) but it's 11:19 pm (his time) I have been surprisingly in a decent mood today too.. Although I miss him so much and am just hoping and praying that I will get to see and talk to him at least for a bit tonight....

I am trying to give him space...
I'm trying to put my feelings aside...
I'm trying to let go in a way... Not of him (I could never let go of him) but of my feelings...
Trying to put his needs first and hope somewhere along the way when he is ready my needs will be met too... and I don't mean that in any kind of way... I understand the situation we are in.. I'm just trying to think more clearly so I don't have melt downs on a daily and stress him out way more...

So ya, I'm trying and I'm pretty proud of myself.. I made it through the first day without contacting him... Only responding if he contacted me..
Didn't think I could do it... Why you might ask?...
Because I think of him and miss his face all day long...
*sigh*

SHE JUST LOVES HIM...

Wish me luck tomorrow... I might cave and txt him but hey I'm only human and I'm a girl! ;)

44 days...

My dreams are better then my reality these days... it's sad but true...

In my dreams colors are brighter, things taste better and I get to be with him... Can you believe it!?? I get to be with him!!! I get to look at his face and see him smile... Do you know how cute his smile is!?? I get to hear him laugh... He has the best laugh! :) I get to feel his arms around me!! Do you know how good this feels!?? I remember the last nights I was with him how I laid on his shoulder and closed my eyes and tried to hold on to that moment so I would never forget how it feels... Do you know how soft his skin is and how I love to rub my lips back and forth on his shoulder?... I get to reach up and hug him and put my hand on the back of his neck.... Oh how I miss that!... *sigh*
I get to fall asleep to his snoring.... which I find very sweet by the way and when I got back home I couldn't sleep in silence anymore. ;) I get to look into his eyes and know I'm right where I wanna be... Do you know what a good cook he is?.. In my dreams I get to eat all the yummy food he cooks up and I get to sit with him and eat together... In my dreams I also get to do any naughty thing I want to do to him... ;) Do you even know how good it is?!... Legs never stop shaking... oh how I wish my dreams would turn into reality for just a couple hours... Yes hours! maybe even more! It's never enough! I always want more! ;)
In my dreams I get to travel with him and see places I have never seen before... I get to drive in the same car with him... Do you know how lovely this would be!?.. To sit next to him while he drives... I don't even care where we go...
I get to go anywhere I want to go and do anything I want with him in my dreams..
It has been 44 LONG days since I have seen his face in person, hugged him, smelled him....I wish I could smell him! *double sigh*

But until my dreams become a reality....
You can find me in dreamland walking hand in hand with my him... :)

More then anything...

My heart is so heavy today... I didn't see him last night and so I know deep down it's going to be a long day of wondering...

With everything that is going on with him...I know he doesn't need another burden and that's exactly what I became for him last night... I didn't mean to. I have been reading way too far into him needing alone time and for that I will forever be sorry... I guess I was just comparing past experiences and I know I can't do that... Each day is different and I need to be grateful for the time I do get with him..

I want to be his best friend, the person he can't wait to talk to each day...
I want to be the one he can come to with his problems...
I want to be the one who makes him happy when his whole day has gone bad...
I hope I STILL am these things for him and that in our first misunderstanding he still feels the same about me...

I don't want things to change to or be different now... That is what is killing me today! I want him to be how he always is with me... As long as I know he still wants to see/talk to me I will be fine... he can do whatever he needs to do alone as long as I know he will always come back and that he wants to! More then anything all I want is to know our time together is as special to him as it is to me....
I felt more alone then I have for awhile last night as I laid there without him and I never want to feel that again...
I just want the opportunity to show him all of me in a normal circumstance and I want to be able to experience how he is... I hope he still wants the same too...

I promise to try harder and be that strong person I know I am and can be for my ping...
I know he needs that more then anything...
I love you ping and I'm sorry...

Lonely nights...

As I sit here tonight watching romantical movie after the other... I am sad.. (I should know better then to do this to myself) I am sad because I want so bad to be the women on the screen... I want to be happy and be with the man I love... Share my life.. experience new things... Laugh in bed at night, eat breakfast together in the morning... just the everyday normal things!
I know our situation is a unique one with lots of ups and downs and like he said "I did sign up for this and all that comes with it"
I just feel lost and confused at times and then so full of hope and love at others...
He is getting more distant by the day and wanting to talk less and less and I don't know what to do...I don't know how he wants me to be. I try and give him his space... I do understand what he is going through.. It's just hard for me cause all I have to go on is our conversation and when there isn't one.. I'm left feeling sad and confused. and I want him to know I'm not mad or frustrated at him....

Its all boils down to... I just miss him SOOOOOO much! I guess in a way I feel like I'm so close but yet still so far from everything I have ever dreamed of...
I know it's kind of selfish of me....but I just want it to be my turn...
I want my happy ever after...

I know I need to be patient and time will tell....I did sign up for this and I'm glad I did... I love him..

Like always....She is just missing him...